“It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.” – Irish proverb.
“Everyone needs help from everyone.” – Bertolt Brecht (playwright).
Sharing is a fundamental part of human interaction which encourages cooperation, strengthens social ties, and promotes general well-being. In the general scheme of things emotions, abstract ideas and material items can also be shared. One of the most profound lessons on the importance of sharing was taught to me by my 4-year-old niece when we visited her family. My 2-year-old son picked up one of her toys to engage with. Immediately she began screaming at the top of her lungs “mine, mine, mine!!” Taken aback he moved to another part of the living room and proceeded to pick up a different toy. Yanking that toy out of his hands again she roared “that’s mine!” Sadly, my brother and his wife had not taught their daughter to share. Many years later, on another visit my son sat down at their piano to play. The same niece ran over and screeched “this is MY piano! You cannot play it!” The fact that he had had six years of piano lessons and played very well was of no moment to her. He quickly left the piano bench while my sister-in-law tersely said, “that’s Erica’s piano, it is not for others to use.” We never went back to that house (one cannot choose one’s family) but by my niece’s example, she ironically schooled me on how critically important it is to share through the vehicle of those painful rebuffing and singular experiences enacted on my son. I made a very conscious decision in that moment to raise my own boy as a child who WOULD share.
The importance of sharing can simply not be understated. Sharing offers emotional, social and physical benefits resulting in increased happiness, strengthened relations and reduced stress. Critically it helps children develop crucial social skills such as cooperation, communication and empathy. Sharing knowledge, resources and experiences enhances personal growth and well-being. The core value of the importance of sharing should begin with the inception of early childhood, at an age when one has some grounding in the notions of right and wrong and giving and getting. Learning to share is imperative – it lays a predicate which demonstrates how friends can be made and kept and illustrates how one plays cooperatively, takes turns, negotiates and copes with possible disappointment. Perhaps most importantly, sharing teaches children about compromise and fairness and is a key component of getting along with others. In my own case, sharing helps people who “have” (my brother’s family) understand that they can help people who do not (myself and my son). Sadly, I took the lesson powerfully while my kinfolk did not.
I started reading in the field of psychological literature, specifically focusing on how to produce a “sharing” child. Key concepts that I encountered were modeling sharing and turn-taking in my own nuclear family of two. I made it a point to share our house with friends and roommates, dinners with others, books and movies and material objects. When a friend asked to borrow the AE-1 Canon camera that my father had given me for my 17th birthday, I’ll admit to a momentary reluctance in doing so. But as soon as I placed the camera in his hand, I felt what I would describe as a lightness of being, of doing the right thing morally. When he later showed me photographs, he had taken on a trip to Alaska, the joy he expressed was so palpable that I was able to share in his own exhilaration. As Ghanaian writer Lailah Gifty Akita said, “A shared life is a sacred love”. In that moment I understood that gifting him my beloved camera had doubled my own bounty of love and dissolved barriers that otherwise often inhere between individuals.
Besides modeling the idea of sharing, I talked to my young son about why sharing was so important. I intentionally made a strong effort to encourage his sharing in everyday life, and I gave him ample verbal praise when he did. The aim was to give him an innate sense of joy and accomplishment for having shared. I said, “how kind of you to share your toy.” Positive reinforcement encourages repeat behavior. When he quickly offered his Thomas the Tank Engine Toy to another little boy at a playground, my heart felt so full of gratitude I thought it would break. That little boy’s huge smile was simply speaking, payment enough.
On his deathbed in Carrboro, North Carolina a close friend’s father told the family gathered around him his last three weighty words: “share, share everything.” This has become a credo for how my boy and I will always navigate the world.
