Have you ever seen a couple and thought “Why is she with him?” It might be his appearance, personality, character “flaws” and occasionally age difference that incites confusion or uncertainty in general among the viewing public. The question can go both ways, of course, it just seems to be more often focused on the male partner as the disadvantaged one. I’ll direct this topic towards the younger generation, as they are more likely to not fully understand what’s happening in these scenarios.
According to the American Community Survey, a 2021 study by the US Census Bureau, nearly half (47.3%) of all households in the United States contained married couples. Furthermore, the study indicated couples are marrying slightly later in life as compared to about 50 years earlier. In 2021, “the median age of first marriage was 29.2 years old (30.2 for men and 28.1 for women).” Compare this to the same study from 1973, where “the median age of first marriage was 22.1 (23.2 for men and 21 for women).”
With this in mind, notice that couples tend to meet when they are younger, likewise, they also wed when they’re younger. However, as time goes by in their marriage, they each get older. As you might expect, they don’t always age gracefully in the same manner. So, occasionally, one doesn’t age quite as well as the other. Hence, it makes people who don’t know them and are strictly judging on appearance ask themselves that unimportant question. So, what’s the answer you say? Eckhart Tolle said, “To love is to recognize yourself in another.”
In my opinion, I can tell you another answer that often happens – vision loss. They both endure vision loss, though not literally. Love has an interesting progression. As long as the relationship stays on solid ground, and no one does anything too foolish, we usually continue to see the person we love, similar to when we first met. As time elapses, couples are naturally inclined to develop similarities in their characteristics, including personality, perspectives, values, preferences and emotions. Some even start to form a resemblance in appearance, likely due to shared emotional states and the mimicking of facial expressions and body language. Social Scientists refer to this as “partner convergence.” It happens as a byproduct of living together and having deep affection and respect for each other.
Our emotions are strong when it comes to love. In our minds, we continue to see our love interest in their best light, for the most part, even as the years pass by quickly, and that’s a good thing. “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” ~ Victor Hugo.
You see, it’s this ability to see them at their best that makes the heart stay strong and loyal.
“I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect, and I loved you even more.” ~ Angelita Lim.
I should mention it’s not just your vision that stays in that previous focal mode, it’s also your feelings about them. You remember the strong feelings you experienced in the beginning. You remember them because they were good, and they made you happy. If you’re lucky, those sensations and that vision stay with you for a lifetime.
For the fortunate ones, that’s why they’re able to share so much love, joy and good times, even though today, they don’t appear to be the same couple on the outside as they were several years earlier. There’s a Swedish Proverb that says, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” They know each other, and they understand how each side thinks and feels, what they like and dislike, their quirks, good qualities, strengths, weaknesses and more. They remember what the other enjoys eating, their favorite type of movie, their hobbies, who their friends are, the music they love, their favorite vacation spot, their saddest moment and their happiest moment (both often shared together).
As this phenomenon begins to occur, they also learn something else about love – it evolves. Some relationships evolve better than others, but nonetheless, they all evolve in their own manner.
“All relationships go through hell, real relationships get through it.” ~ Unknown.
The couple that learns to adapt and grow in ways that benefit each other tends to be the most successful. No magic potion, or process, guarantees the results. It just happens naturally.
So, the next time you see a couple where one partner is considered more conventionally attractive than the other, remember, you’re only seeing the relationship iceberg above the water line. The remaining majority lies underneath the surface, unseen.
“A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.” ~ Honore de Balzac.
Musical selection: Neil Young – Harvest Moon [Official Music Video]
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