My wife and I have been married for 35 years. I’ve learned from experience how relationships evolve through cycles. The beginning is very intense and passionate, and it progresses level by level along the way, ultimately, to a point I think is the most comfortable of all the cycles. The one that comes after many years together, knowing each other so well that we can practically read each other’s minds. Or, so I thought.
I’m an introvert by nature, however, when I’m with those I feel closest to, I can also be a bit of a talker. At times, my talks are humorous, casual, sometimes informative and, occasionally, they are deep conversations that can span a range of subjects. One of my favorite topics to explore on my own relates to social science or why people do what they do. That’s probably why Malcolm Gladwell is at the top of my list of favorite authors. On the other hand, my wife isn’t as much of a talker in these instances. For example, if instead of discussing a topic related to social science, I put on an episode of “What Would You Do?” she would be engrossed in it. However, when I describe the episode instead of showing it, her interest level drops considerably. I can see this happening in real time. In the beginning, she’s intrigued, but after a short while, her interest quickly fades.
When I say I witness this in real time, what I mean is I can tell from her facial expressions (not expressive), her body positioning (leaned back or slouching in the chair), whether she’s looking at me or not, how distracted she gets by things (TV, an outside noise, etc.), and of course, her lack of verbal response back to me. As I’ve witnessed this, I’ve adapted to it, accepting it as just who she is. That is, until I read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Talking to Strangers.
In his book, Gladwell isn’t providing a guide to conversation as much as he’s providing insight into how we perceive people we don’t know. One such insight is referred to as “transparency” – the judgments and perceptions we make immediately, based on a variety of factors unique to us. He explains how most of us feel we’re pretty good judges of others, often with nothing really to go on other than things like their appearance, demeanor, facial expressions and how they participate in the conversation. The reality, however, can be quite the opposite. It’s not because we are flawed; after all, we’ve been programmed to judge people based on those characteristics most of our lives. One illustration he uses is how, when we watch sitcoms, for example, we see actors emphatically displaying their emotions, feelings and intentions through their faces, bodies and mannerisms. From fear to anger, elation to sadness, it’s all there for us to see clearly. Even with the sound turned down, we get a feel for what’s happening through their body language and expressions. Because of this and other factors, we’ve come to believe we can read people correctly in almost any situation. Yet, as Gladwell so poetically points out in his uniquely talented way, we can only read correctly when the person checks all the usual boxes we’ve grown accustomed to seeing. And, often we’re wrong.
After learning about transparency, I sat down for one of my informative talks with my wife. I explained I was reading Gladwell’s book, and he pointed out something intriguing I’d never considered before. It just so happens that this was one time she was very interested in what I learned. When I explained to her what I witnessed in our talks sometimes, about her seeming uninterested, etc., I asked if she realized how it came off to me. She had no clue I was thinking this. She explained it was nothing related to what she was feeling. She had no idea. Interestingly, I had this same unique awareness in the past myself, after watching old home videos of me and how I looked on camera. I wasn’t conscious of how I appeared to others, and often, how it makes them feel in the moment. The video camera can be very revealing.
Conversely, when you combine these two paradigms, thinking we are good at judging others, together with not being aware of how we appear to others in the moment, it makes the perfect recipe for faulty perception, misinterpretation and misjudgment.
My wife’s responses to me didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t interested. She could just be tired from working all day, thinking about the grocery list, phone calls she needed to make and what we were having for dinner. Or – she could just be bored.
It’s like Mark Twain once said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
Music Selection: Simply Red – If You Don’t Know Me By Now (Official Video)
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