It usually hits you during a quiet moment – waiting in line for a latte, folding laundry or scrolling TikTok past midnight. Is this real? Is this the person with whom I could build a life? We’ve all heard the standard checklist – compatibility, shared values, timing, chemistry, aligned love languages (thank you, Dr. Gary Chapman); these matter. But, more and more, relationship experts and long-lasting couples keep returning to one surprisingly simple idea.

You usually know someone is right for you when your life feels like it expands around them, and you feel like a better version of yourself for having them in it.

Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron describe this as “self-expansion,” a concept backed by decades of research. In simple terms, the healthiest relationships are the ones where your partner inspires growth, not stagnation. It’s surprisingly practical. Being with the right person makes you feel more capable, more motivated and more like…you. As Oprah once put it, “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.” She wasn’t talking about romance, but she might as well have been.

It also aligns with findings from The Gottman Institute, which notes that couples who consistently “turn toward” each other during everyday moments and respond with interest, presence and encouragement build stronger emotional foundations. Their studies show that couples who turn toward each other at least 80 percent of the time during small bids for connection tend to experience significantly greater long term stability. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures. It’s often as small as paying attention. According to their long term observational studies, couples who notice and respond to these bids for attention and awareness, even with something as simple as a warm glance or a genuine follow-up question, dramatically increase trust and relationship satisfaction. These small interactions compound over time, creating a buffer that helps couples weather stress, conflict and major life transitions. Imagine that.

This shows up in how your partner responds to your ambitions. Maybe you casually mention a job you’re curious about, or a dream you thought you’d outgrown. A supportive partner doesn’t shrug or shut it down; they lean in. Psychologists who study relationship dynamics say couples who celebrate each other’s goals enthusiastically, known as “active constructive responding,” build stronger trust and connection over time. It’s not dramatic. It’s consistent. It’s someone who believes in your direction, even when you’re still figuring it out.

Michelle Obama once said, “You want to be with someone who is going to make you better.” And when that’s true, it’s not subtle; you feel it in dozens of small, steady ways.

Even Albert Einstein hinted at this idea when he indicated that love isn’t accidental or random. It’s a pull created by connection, shared meaning and the ways two people help each other grow.

You notice it socially, too. The right partner doesn’t make you shrink or overthink. They help you feel grounded, worthy, confident and cared for. 

Two prominent psychology researchers, R. Chris Fraley and Phillip Shaver, known for their extensive work on attachment theory, indicate that secure partners help regulate stress and strengthen emotional resilience. You don’t suddenly become flawless at navigating social situations, but the awkward moments don’t own you anymore. And, when you slip up, the right person helps you process it without shame.

Then there’s the emotional part, the part that’s almost impossible to fake. You start want to tell them everything. The big wins. The meltdowns. The messy middle. Relationship researcher Guy Bodenmann describes this as “dyadic coping,” where couples handle stress and joy as a unified team, and it’s a strong predictor of relationship stability. It doesn’t mean they fix everything. It means you don’t have to face everything alone.

Even though Plato’s old story about humans being split in two and searching for their missing half is romantic, love today isn’t about finding someone to complete you. It’s about finding someone who expands who you already are. Someone who helps reveal strengths you didn’t know you had. Someone whose belief in you makes you believe in yourself differently.

Rumi, the 13th-century Persian Muslim scholar and poet, had a way of capturing this feeling centuries ago: “What you seek is seeking you.” It’s poetic, but it also mirrors what psychologists keep finding; healthy love feels like alignment, not distortion.

So, how do you really know?
You know when your growth feels encouraged.
You know when your goals feel possible.
You know when your mistakes become learning moments, not weapons.
You know when life gets a little easier, not because it’s simpler, but because someone is actually walking through it with you.    

And, maybe most importantly, you know when being with them helps you step more fully into who you’re meant to be.

That’s not just romance. That’s partnership.

Musical Selection: LIBERATI – “Figure It Out” Official Lyric Video

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