The questions of when to start a family and how many children to have are among the most consequential decisions couples face. There’s no single right answer, but research and lived experience offer helpful guidance.
For most families today, the recommended number tends to hover around two. Pew Research Center reports that adults in their 20s and 30s plan to have fewer children than a decade ago, with the average dropping from 2.3 in 2012 to 1.8 in 2023. Demographers often point to replacement-level fertility at about 2.1 children per woman, which explains why “two” remains a practical benchmark for balancing family life while contributing to the general population’s sustainability.
From my perspective, three children create a richer family dynamic, with ideally both genders represented. Three children eventually become six through marriage, then may grow to nine to twelve or more once grandchildren arrive. Thinking long term, larger families often mean fuller gatherings, stronger traditions and more visitors in later years. I grew up in a family of four, and I’ve seen how those bonds multiply across generations. While statistics may point to two as the most manageable number, I believe three offers a sweet spot for relationships and future family life (notwithstanding middle child syndrome).
Two or three children allow parents to provide attention and resources without stretching themselves too thin. With one child, parents sometimes worry about loneliness or the pressure of being the sole focus. With four or more, the financial and emotional demands can escalate quickly. As humorist Erma Bombeck joked about family, “We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life, sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant.” That “band of characters” is easier to manage when the cast list is short, but it can also be more rewarding when the ensemble is just a bit larger.
Timing is also important. The U.S. Office of Population Affairs notes that “fertility outcomes and maternal health risks are generally most favorable in the late 20s to early 30s.” Starting too early can mean financial instability; waiting too long may increase risks of infertility or complications. My preference – if I were doing this for the first time – would be the late 20s. That’s enough time to finish schooling and career training and at least get started in a job. Energy levels are higher at that age which helps you keep up with everything. Then you grow your career as you raise your family, ideally with your children reaching adulthood (18) while you’re in your mid-40s to early 50s. You’ll be younger when the grandchildren arrive, sharing in more of their life experiences.
Biology further underscores this advice. Fertility begins to decline gradually after age 30, with sharper drops after 35. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that “women in their late 20s and early 30s generally experience healthier pregnancies, with lower risks of complications compared to later ages. For men, fertility declines more slowly, yet age can affect sperm quality and certain genetic risks.” Beyond biology, though, there’s energy. Raising toddlers requires stamina that’s simply easier to muster earlier in adulthood.
Career timing is another variable. Many couples, understandably, want to establish themselves professionally before starting a family. That’s wise, but it’s important to remember that careers stretch across decades, while fertility has a narrower window. Jacqueline Kennedy famously said, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” Her words illuminate the long term significance and value of raising a family.
No matter how carefully you plan, children have a way of rewriting the script. You may aim for two and end up with twins. You may plan for three and find yourself welcoming a fourth. Parenthood is full of surprises, and sometimes the best laid plans are simply starting points.
If you’re weighing numbers and timing, the evidence suggests that aiming for two (or three) children and beginning in your late 20s or early 30s provides a strong foundation. It balances health, finances and family dynamics while leaving room for the unexpected joys that children inevitably bring.
If you prefer not to think of parenthood as much in relation to math, think of it as love multiplied. As a father reflecting on decades of family life, I can say parenthood isn’t always about perfect preparation; it’s also about building love and resilience. Psychologytoday.com advises that, according to studies that analyze the “U-shaped” happiness curve of life, your happiness level starts to trend downward from age 18 to 47.2 years old (the lowest point). From there, it begins to rise again. It’s suggested that this rebound is a result of “learning to readjust expectations, appreciating successes and adapting to new life stages.” In my experience, parenting a child or children will, at the very least, encourage all three of those results to occur.
Musical Selection: “There Goes My Life” by Kenny Chesney
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